college … a complicated relationship

(originally published Jan 7, 2020)

It feels like I never left but, at the same time, like I had been gone for forever. If you are navigating your way through college like me, or have ever been away from your home for a prolonged period of time, you can probably relate to this feeling.

I have lived in California for my entire life and in August, I moved across the country to North Carolina for college. The adjustment was and is manageable, although I still occasionally struggle with homesickness and missing my family and friends. But this new life is exciting, challenging, eye-opening, motivating in so many ways. It really does feel like just that: a new life. I have new friends, a new room, a new dance studio, a new roommate, new favorite restaurants, a new daily routine. I am forever grateful for the opportunity to attend college, but I feel this strange divide between my two “lives” that is especially evident when I travel back home to California.

I recently went home for three weeks for winter break. What a luxury. Because I am an old lady at heart, I crocheted hats for friends, baked cakes, read, and watched Greta Gerwig’s Little Women twice (which is incredible). I had sleepovers with high school friends and relatives. Three weeks was more than enough time for me to slip back into my California lifestyle and by the time I had to return to school, it felt like I was leaving home for the first time all over again.

I really love college and the life I have on the opposite coast, but my reluctance to leave California can sometimes be mistaken for discomfort or unhappiness at my school. That is not the case at all. It is completely possible to fully love something but still miss what you are leaving behind.

If you are feeling this way, or have in the past, I relate to you. College is a difficult experience, not solely due to academic challenges, but more so due to leaving home, adjusting to a new lifestyle, and understanding that you are now an independent adult. With this difficulty, however, is opportunity! College is jam-packed with opportunities to grow and gain new experiences, which is truly a blessing. Allow yourself to miss home but don’t let it take away from the new home in front of you.